What on Earth?
LOOK, I've been busy these past few days, so I need a favour.
Has, at any point, Planet Earth been taken over by evil aliens from the Planet Zog?
No? Oh. Well, I didn't think so but I was just hecking confused.
You see, aliens from the Planet Zog coming to Earth and becoming our new overlords and masters would have made a lot of sense.
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At least, a lot more sense than the out-pouring from scientists the other day who came out with the following phrase: "In our opinion it's now 95 per cent likely that global warming is being caused by humans."
Now, I've read some things lately that have given me a good laugh – including my latest tax return – but this is absolutely brilliant.
Before I carry on I'll hoist my colours up the mast. I'm no denier. I believe it's not all mumbo jumbo and we are trashing the old ozone layer and we better watch out.
But this, well, this is quite possibly the biggest waste of money since Eric Pickles signed up for Weight Watchers.
Why? I'll tell you why. Last time I checked the only inhabitants on Planet Earth were us.
As I look out of my window in Gloucester Docks I can't see King/Queen Zarg (ruler of the Zogs) because they haven't invaded.
In short, of course global warming's caused by us.Who else could it be?
"Ahh, hang on Warren. What about the animals?"
Well, yes, we do share the planet with all God's great creatures and Mother Nature but, as I write, I'm yet to see a leopard with his foot down to the floor in his/her diesel car choking up the ozone layer.
As I continue to write, I'm also pretty certain that I'm yet to come across an elephant who's figured out how to press their hoof down on an aerosol can, thus pushing the side wider apart in the ozone.
As I approach, the last couple of paragraphs in this week's column I'm fairly certain I'm yet to see a whole herd of wildebeest taking off for their summer jollies on a Boeing 747 creating a massive carbon footprint... or should that be hoofprint?
No, dear scientists, it's not 95 per cent our fault. It's 100 per cent.
PS How much did you spend (or rather waste on this research)?
I'll catch you weekdays from 6am.