Martin Kirby Column; Laughing All The Way, Lying All The Way and Running All The Way
ITALIAN VOTERS HAD THE LAST LAUGH
At last, something good has come out of the Eurozone. The Italians have finally seen their politicians for what they really are and raised two fingers to the mainstream candidates, which means the balance of power in Italy is currently held by a party whose leader is a stand-up comedian.
I think we should follow their example here in the UK and no, I'm not going to churn out the obvious joke about having a government full of comedians already, because comedy is too serious for that.
I've always wanted to see at least one Monster Raving Loony Party candidate actually elected to the House of Commons and it would be fantastic if it happened in Gloucester.
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If we ever have an Official Monster Raving Loony candidate in the city, he or she will definitely get my vote. Anyway, many of the MRLP's policies make a great deal more sense than those of the present coalition government.
For example, the MRLP would cut traffic pollution by 50% without introducing any more pedestrianized areas or increases in motoring tax. To achieve this, a bungee rope would be attached to all vehicles, so no fuel would be required for their return journeys.
To save confusion, the term 'email' would be outlawed. Instead, messages from men would be hemails, and from women shemails, the only exception being for natives of Yorkshire, who will take a unisex approach and use 'e-by-gum-mails'.
In the past, I have considered standing for election to the city council as a MRLP candidate but dismissed the idea on the grounds that I don't see why a bloke of my age should be expected to stand. I shall therefore wait until legislation allows me to sit for election.
I would also replace council tax with something I call the Blue Tax. Every household would be provided with a slice of blu-tack, which they would attach to their council tax bill and then tell the council where to stick it.
LYING IN WAIT
Also on politics; I don't know who did or said what in the on-going saga of Lord Rennard scandal but Lib Dem leader, Nick Clegg demonstrated just how much politicians hate it when the press exposes their alleged wrongdoing. The Deputy PM accused journalists investigating a cover-up of being 'self-appointed detectives' which shows that members of both the House of Commons and the House of Lords long for the days when their word was taken as gospel.
We have a young lady by the name of Mandy Rice-Davies to thank for the fact that what our glorious leaders say is not necessarily accepted as the truth. Mandy was giving evidence at the trial of Stephen Ward, charged with living off immoral earnings in the Profumo Affair, in 1963 and when the prosecuting counsel pointed out that Lord Astor denied an affair with her, or having even met her, she replied; "Well, he would, wouldn't he?"
BACK ON TRACK
Even when I was young and fit enough to run around an athletics track, I was never in danger of winning a gold medal. But for those who aspire to such heights, it must be fantastic news that the crumbling Black Bridge site at Podsmead has been given a £380,000 makeover. Now called the Black Bridge Jubilee Track, it was officially declared open by Her Royal Highness, The Princess Royal and will be run by the charity 'Gloucester Athletics Track Management Ltd'.
Such facilities are essential if we're going to encourage youngsters to become champions in the future, so everyone involved in making it a reality deserves credit.