I believe we're the only ones here!
Look I've been busy these last few days, so I need a favour. Has at any point Planet Earth been taken over by evil aliens from the planet zog? No? Oh. Well I didn't think so but I was just checking
You see aliens from the planet Zog coming to earth and becoming our new overlords and masters would have made a lot of sense. At least a lot more sense than the out pouring from scientists the other day who came out with the following phrase "In our opinion it's now 95 per cent likely that global warming is being caused by humans!"
Now I've read some things lately that've given me a good laugh (including my latest tax return) but this is brilliant. Before I carry on I'll hoist my colours up the mast. I'm no denier. I believe it's not all mumbo jumbo and we are trashing the old ozone layer and we better watch out. But this, well this is quite possibly the biggest waste of money since Eric Pickles signed up for Weight Watchers
Why??? I'll tell you why. Last time I checked the only inhabitants on planet earth were us. As I look out my window in Gloucester Docks, I can't see King/Queen Zarg (Ruler of the Zogs) becase they haven't invaded. In short of course, global warming's caused by us. Who else could it be???
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"Ahh hang on Warren – what about the animals?" Well yes we do share the planet with all God's great creatures and Mother Nature but as I write I'm yet to see a leopard with his foot down to the floor in his/her diesel car.
As I continue to write im also pretty certain that I'm yet to come across an elephant who's figured out how to press their hoof down on an aerosol can, thus pushing the side wider apart in the ozone
As I approach the last couple of paragraphs in this week's column I'm fairly certain I'm yet to see a whole herd of wildebeests taking off for their summer jollies on a Boeing 747 creating a massive carbon foot print... or should that be hoof print
No dear scientists it's not 95 per cent our faults... It's 100 per cent.
P.s: how much did you spend (or rather waste) on this research eh?
I'll catch you weekdays from 6