Booze, Balls and Banter

JUST when you thought it was safe to write off the rugby season as done and dusted, disaster strikes at Twickenham.

Yes, the county were beaten by a useful looking Lancashire outfit.

The real disaster was, of course, not the defeat, but the traffic problems around Twickenham which caused the alacadoo bus to miss the kick-off.

Even more tragically, they missed the pre-match function, a glorified bun fest where everyone tucks into canapés and Merlot, or in the case of some from our dear Dean, rissole sandwiches and GL.

There is no official dictionary definition of alacadoo but anyone who's ever toured, or played any form of representative rugby will have seen this abundant species.

They train all year round in preparation for their appearance, diligently ironing blazers, wiping last year's soup from their maroon ties and carefully polishing the various county badges they've picked up on their travels.

As the competition progresses and Twickenham gets ever nearer, their numbers multiply exponentially to occupy more and more seats at the front of the bus.

In fact this year must have been an exceptional breeding season, since it appears they now warranted a bus of their own.

I don't decry them, dear me no, in my old pickle, I just long to be one.

Twickenham was not the only place suffering an invasion this past week.

The Nevada Tourist Board are still counting the cost of having Tabs Bartlett, Knoxy, Beefy Brown et al drop by for a few days.

Record takings for McDonalds, KFC and every Chinese take-away in the state were reported, along with a threatened strike by the Las Vegas Croupiers Association after two of their number were dismissed for leaving AJK with his shirt still on at the end of the night.

There are also some rather traumatised Havasupai Indians wandering around the Grand Canyon after Beef and Tabs, together with a few front-row mates, decided to take a helicopter ride around the great tourist attraction.

Evidently, the pilot bit off a little more than he could chew, and had greater faith in the horse power of his helicopter than was warranted when he agreed to take the intrepid travellers all at once straight after lunch.

Attempts to balance the aircraft by putting Spindle and Nobby on the opposite side proved in vain as the flying machine lurched into a curious flying angle for the duration of the flight.

Reports that several Indians are missing their headdresses and numerous donkeys have been left with only one ear are still the subject of an investigation by the Federal Aviation Authority.