Julian Alsop takes a wry look at football life....

WELL, I do hope you all had a good Bank Holiday weekend.

I spent Monday with Babe, Molly Mae, Poppy and Bamps (father-in-law Richard) at the Cotswold Farm Park.

The mother-in-law, Shirley, has taken up golf, so she went and ploughed up another golf course in the county (it's the white ball you are supposed to be hitting and not ploughing the fields for the next harvest, Shirley!)

We have all heard stories about the reasons why footballers can't play in games.

Remember the West Ham player who was not in the right frame of mind and lived in a caravan, and the keeper from Spain who would not play on a Sunday because of his religion?

Well, there is a new story to be added to these weird and wonderful ones.

It started Friday night when I was at the Sportsman's Dinner at Cleeve.

I have to say the evening was fantastic. The comedian was the best I have seen in a long time, so hats off to Jamie Sutherland. If you ever get the chance to see him, please do – he won't let you down. (Hi Jamie, I know you have Google alerts on your phone!)

It was also nice to hear about Derek 'Arkle' Randall and his career.

I was on the way back from the bar when the gaffer (Paul Collicutt) calls me over.

Straightaway I am thinking he's going to say, 'How many have you had?'

'Just the five, gaffer, honest,' was going to be my reply.

But he says Jon Crowford has phoned and can't play the next day in the FA Cup against Westbury.

My reply was, "Why not, then, Gaffer?", thinking that it was going to be something serious.

Oh no, it was because Jon Crowford's tattooist has said not to play just in case his new tattoo runs.

Never in 20-odd years of football have I heard anything more stupid than that as an excuse.

I could not wait until Saturday to see him and the lads' reaction to this reason for letting the lads down – and you did let the lads down big time!

Well, old Slacky was having a field day about it. He did not stop talking until the game started.

You might be wondering what the tattoo is.

It looks like a half-played game of Jenga (where the tiny bricks are stacked up and you take it in turns to pull one out).

Are you sure the building where you had the tattoo done did say tattooist, Mr Crowford?!

25 tap-ins will do just fine, Wesley

WHAT a fantastic result for the club against Burton Albion.

It was nice to see the team might have an ugly side to winning games.

I have just read the interview with Wesley Thomas where he says, ‘People might be looking at my goals and just think I am a poacher, but I have a lot more to my game than just scoring those kind of goals.’

My own thoughts and that of every other supporter of the club is, ‘We are not bothered if you get 25 tap-ins.’

At the end of the season in the record books, it will say 25 goals – you can make the distance up as you get older.

The season I got 26 they were all Neil Grayson thunderbolt strikes – honest!

Keep up the good work along with the other strikers at the club.

My old gaffer (Steve Cotterill) would tell me and Jack (Tony Naylor), ‘I want 40 goals from the partnership’, and he was not bothered if I got one and Tony the other 39 – it was a partnership.

So, fingers crossed the lads carry on the good work for the rest of the season.

Forget the hyped-up Prem and DIY… support Non-League Day

THIS Saturday is Non-League Day, with the internationals taking place and with no games in the over-hyped Premier League and Championship.

The day was introduced by James Doe, who set it up in protest at Premiership prices.

The Evo-Stik, Ryman and Zamaretto leagues are all pledging their support to this fantastic idea.

I am urging the people of Cheltenham and the surrounding areas to come to Kayte Lane and support this fantastic day. You might not have ever been to a non-League game before, but, trust me, get yourself down and watch this and, if nothing else, you will enjoy the friendly atmosphere the club offers.

Cleeve take on Paulton Rovers at 3pm. The extra people through the gate means so much to non-League teams.

So don’t sit at home bored or doing DIY jobs – you’ve just had the Bank Holiday to do that!

If you have a Cheltenham Town season ticket, bring your season ticket along to gain free entry into the game.

I look forward to seeing you at the game and in the bar after for a pint.

Our Kevin’s so utterly butterly

IT IS with deep regret that last week’s item to bring was cocoa butter and that Kevin Slack managed to bring the item.

The only reason he managed this is because his lovely partner Lisa is due to give birth in a couple of weeks and has been using cocoa butter on her skin.

For the game against Paulton Rovers this Saturday we have to wear wigs to the game and in the bar afterwards.

That will be worth coming to see!